The primary goal of the teen years is to achieve independence. For this to happen, teens will start pulling away from their parents - especially the parent whom they’re closest to. This is sometimes expressed as the teen having different opinions than the parents or wanting to spend much more time with friends and much less time with the family. Perhaps you’re starting to notice this behavior with your own child?

As adolescents mature, they’re beginning to form their own moral code. Parents of teens may find that kids who previously had been willing to conform to please them will suddenly begin asserting themselves strongly and rebelling against parental control. As a parent, you are now faced with the challenge of guiding your child safely through this newfound independence.

It’s important to know when to pick your battles. If a child wants to dye their hair, paint their fingernails black, or wear funky clothes, it’s worth thinking twice before you object. Teens are often looking to shock their folks and it’s a lot better to let them do something temporary and harmless; save the objections for things that matter deeply, like tobacco, drugs and alcohol.

Maintain clear expectations with your child. Teens will likely act unhappy with parental expectations placed on them and will test some boundaries. However, they usually understand and need to know that their parents care enough about them to expect things from them. Appropriate grades, behavior, and obeying the rules of the home are important standards to maintain. If parents have appropriate expectations, teens will likely try to meet them. You decide what your expectations are, and don’t be insulted when your growing child doesn’t always want to be with you anymore. Think back. You probably felt the same way about your mom and dad.

Richard B. Cohen LMFT, CCBT, CDVC, MAC

If your child should come home with a failing grade, there are questions to ask yourself to help you both find your way to a solution. First, what does a failing grade mean in terms of academics?

• How involved are you with your child’s schoolwork? Become aware of her classes, teachers, current assignments, and semester goals. Help your child understand assignment directions and track due dates.
• Do you oversee homework? Make this failing grade and educable moment for both of you. Reevaluate study skills, homework time and make clear your expectations.
• Is it time for a tutor? Your child may need special one-on-one attention to get through a rough spot or difficult subject.

Next, is a failing grade a sign of deeper problems? Consider your child’s behavior and environment.

• Is she acting out in other ways? Perhaps her academic difficulties are symptoms of other issues. Discord within the family, depression and anxiety, or experimentation with drugs and alcohol are just some of the conditions that can lead to school failure. Monitor and observe your child’s behavior and evaluate the stressors in her life.
• Is your child’s home life structured enough to accommodate daily time to address schoolwork? Create an atmosphere that is conducive to study and create specific guidelines and limits for completing work.
• Is your child spending too much time on the phone, IM-ing, surfing the web or in front of the TV? Limit these activities until after homework is completed to your satisfaction.
• Does your child have learning difficulties? If you suspect but are unsure if your child has a diagnosis such as Attention Deficit Disorder or Dyslexia, you can have your child evaluated for special education services. (IEP - Individualized Education Services) Contact your school guidance counselor for more information regarding these services.

A feeling of connection to parents is important to a student’s success. Help your child to mature by teaching values of responsibility, motivation and persistence. Her bad report card is an invitation to become more involved in her life and future.

Richard B. Cohen LMFT, CCBT, CDVC, MAC

The health of any relationship varies by degrees in a number of areas. Ask yourself the following questions to help determine which areas of your relationship with your teenager could use more attention.

• On a scale of 1 to 10, where would you rank the feeling of love, warmth, and connection between you and your teen? Do you have a sense of whether you are growing closer or farther apart?
• How often does your teen lie to you? What is your teen’s level of openness versus secretiveness? What is the degree of trust between the two of you? Where is the level of congruence between what is said and what is done?
• Where do you rank the degree of stress, anger, and tension in the relationship? How healthy is the method of conflict resolution between you and your child?
• Are you and your teen isolated or communicative? How well do you listen to each other? Do you both have the ability to hear the words that are said as well as understand the feeling and intent?
• What is the level of defiance that your teenager demonstrates? How well does your teen cooperate and comply with explicit family rules and follow consequences? How well does your teen follow thru on responsibilities and adhere to your direction?
• What amount of time do you spend together? Is this amount acceptable to both of you?
• Are you motivated to support each other? To what degree does loyalty and respect exist between you and your teen?
• Are you familiar with the details of your teenager’s life? What was the last movie your teen saw? Do you know the name of your teen’s favorite band? Is your teen familiar with the details of your life? Does your child know what you wanted to be when you grew up and how you decided on your current career?
• How closely do you monitor your teenager’s whereabouts? Do you know where your teen is? Do you know whom they are with and what they are doing?

The more respect that is given, the more communication that occurs, and the more intimate information that is shared, the healthier your relationship diagnosis.

Richard B. Cohen LMFT, CCBT, CDVC

Changes in behavior and differences in your child’s relationships can be signals of a deeper issue or clues that your child may be in trouble.

Be alert to these early warning signs:

• Irritability, withdrawal, anger, passive-aggressiveness
• Stress, anxiety
• Impulse control issues, yelling
• Boredom, apathy, detachment
• Lowered frustration tolerance, snappiness
• Depression, dark moods
• Change in energy level
• Loss of interest in favorite activities, siblings, school, sports, friends
• Sleep disturbances, sleeping more, also insomnia
• Weight fluctuations - marked gain or loss
• School related problems, slipping grades, bullying
• Changes in mental status, loss of concentration, attention, focus
• Lying, stealing, cheating
• Alcohol, tobacco or drug use

If your son or daughter is exhibiting any of these warning signs, give more attention to your child and the situation and work with them to ascertain the problem. Lend support in problem solving and follow up to check on progress. If these changes persist for more than several weeks it’s time to seek help.

Richard B. Cohen LMFT, CCBT, CDVC

Adolescence is a developmental stage that is often rife with conflict. As children reach for independence, parents continue to be concerned with safety, and imparting values and guidance. The resulting conflict can become a habit in the relationship between parents and kids. Learning effective anger management and conflict resolution skills benefits the entire family.
Constructive conflict occurs when both sides feel heard and talking leads to constructive action or compromise. Turning conflict into a meaningful, productive exchange takes effort and a bit of practice. The suggestions listed below are based on the methods we consistently use in our teen and family program at Of One Mind.

1. Define the problem. Communicating the specific nature of the problem from each person’s perspective eliminates wrong assumptions and keeps the discussion focused and clear. It also forces everyone to slow down and think clearly. This helps diffuse intense, reactionary feelings.

2. Identify the needs of all people involved. This is done through careful, open listening. Many times in an argument or discussion, we are simply waiting for the other person to finish talking so we can make our point. Active listening requires us to really hear what the other person is saying. From there, we can respond genuinely.

3. Use ‘I’ Messages. This takes practice, but after a time flows more naturally. One example of an ‘I’ statement: Saying “I feel badly that we can’t spend more time together,” rather than “You’re never home.” This technique is extremely helpful in facilitating resolution. It also helps each individual to clarify feelings around the situation.

4. Mutually agree to negotiate or compromise. When both parties agree to negotiate, this sets the common, concrete goal of working through the problem. The resolution may become immediately apparent or may require both parent and child taking time to sort through the information and feelings shared in discussion. Taking time to revisit an issue offers both sides the opportunity to keep calm and maintain a focus on negotiation and compromise.

Remember that while adolescents have strong feelings and may express them in an articulate manner, certain brain functions are still developing. Helping children deal with large, sometimes frightening emotions takes forethought and steadiness on the part of the parents. Using the techniques listed above leads to effective conflict resolution and a happier, more peaceful family life. By modeling these important life skills for your son or daughter, you’re helping your child grow into a caring, respectful and assertive adult.

Richard B. Cohen LMFT, CCBT, CDVC