Adolescence is a developmental stage that is often rife with conflict. As children reach for independence, parents continue to be concerned with safety, and imparting values and guidance. The resulting conflict can become a habit in the relationship between parents and kids. Learning effective anger management and conflict resolution skills benefits the entire family.
Constructive conflict occurs when both sides feel heard and talking leads to constructive action or compromise. Turning conflict into a meaningful, productive exchange takes effort and a bit of practice. The suggestions listed below are based on the methods we consistently use in our teen and family program at Of One Mind.

1. Define the problem. Communicating the specific nature of the problem from each person’s perspective eliminates wrong assumptions and keeps the discussion focused and clear. It also forces everyone to slow down and think clearly. This helps diffuse intense, reactionary feelings.

2. Identify the needs of all people involved. This is done through careful, open listening. Many times in an argument or discussion, we are simply waiting for the other person to finish talking so we can make our point. Active listening requires us to really hear what the other person is saying. From there, we can respond genuinely.

3. Use ‘I’ Messages. This takes practice, but after a time flows more naturally. One example of an ‘I’ statement: Saying “I feel badly that we can’t spend more time together,” rather than “You’re never home.” This technique is extremely helpful in facilitating resolution. It also helps each individual to clarify feelings around the situation.

4. Mutually agree to negotiate or compromise. When both parties agree to negotiate, this sets the common, concrete goal of working through the problem. The resolution may become immediately apparent or may require both parent and child taking time to sort through the information and feelings shared in discussion. Taking time to revisit an issue offers both sides the opportunity to keep calm and maintain a focus on negotiation and compromise.

Remember that while adolescents have strong feelings and may express them in an articulate manner, certain brain functions are still developing. Helping children deal with large, sometimes frightening emotions takes forethought and steadiness on the part of the parents. Using the techniques listed above leads to effective conflict resolution and a happier, more peaceful family life. By modeling these important life skills for your son or daughter, you’re helping your child grow into a caring, respectful and assertive adult.

Richard B. Cohen LMFT, CCBT, CDVC